What does it mean to be thick or thin-skinned? Is it possible to exist in a way where both of these traits can simultaneously be in play?

We exist in a landscape of extremes, where we are quick to separate the thick from the thin. The modern age, with all its astonishing revelations, also carries with it the burden of this divide. You know the types. Those with super thick skin shrug everything off, have uber immunity, act utterly unbothered, and are lacking in vulnerability when it comes to themselves and to others. Those with ultra thin skin lack resilience, have limitless fragility and very little immunity, are delicate to a fault, and take everything too personally.

What we are really talking about here is the distortion of our personal levels of sensitivity, the blunting of our keen and innate abilities to quietly discern when it is time to be more receptive and unguarded, and when it is best not to be. It starts young, this penchant towards under or over susceptibility. In our kids we see more and more the embodiment of these hypo and hyper extremes. Both are destabilizing. In a time of heightened violence and sensationalism, we are not meant to be so impervious or numb. Nor are we meant to be so penetrable that it makes it hard to come through difficulties intact.

I am notoriously thin-skinned. If skin were paper, mine would be wispy like tracing paper, or like tender decorative tissue paper, the kind where you have to use five sheets just so the present you are wrapping is actually hidden. For the bulk of my life, I have regarded this thin skin of mine as a flaw. Yet in the past several years, I’ve begun to look upon my intense sensitivity with more detachment, as both a gift and a hindrance, and as a tendency that is in fact amendable.

We could all use to either stimulate our sensitivity or to soothe and stroke it down. I like to call this fine-tuning the balancing of immunity. Some of us need to toughen up and respond less, while others need to soften down and respond more. The goal is to be semi-pervious, in a truce between thick and thin, so that neither dominates, nor competes with the other. Instead, we learn to sense precisely, intuitively, consciously, and appropriately, taking in and keeping out just enough, censoring our loads of input and output, setting our own limits, and creating appropriate boundaries. Sculpting our immunity inevitably invokes wellness, by changing our connection to our nutrition, our work, and to self-care. It affects our relationships with our selves, our loved ones and not so loved ones, and with everything else we interact with.

In yoga, my understanding of restorative poses, especially savasana, or final relaxation, is that they are non-effortful practices in sensory disengagement. In these postures, we gently recede from the bombardment of sensory information. We take a break from hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, and feeling. This doesn’t mean we become insensitive at all. Rather, we sink into a place absent of the need to differentiate between too much or too little, a place where dualism dissolves. There is no thick, nor thin, just skin, and pulsing energy, and the breath. The head grows heavy and engorged with peace. The back of the skull becomes a collecting pool, gathering insight into beautifully proportioned sensitivity.

The world is so polarized, so caffeinated and decaffeinated. When we experience the removal of this separation, the sweetness and supple bliss of simply being in the moment, devoid of extremes, arise. We are after all of one common earth. We share one amazing, breathing, pliable, and enduring skin. Spanning and stretching across our planet, the biggest organ of our global body, we had better learn to take good care of it.

David Lynch gives some background on how he got involved in transcendental meditation and how it informs his consciousness and creativity.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Technically, no. You live in the information age, which means you could spend the next month just reading blogs about, let’s say, knitting, and still not get through them all, and your loved ones and business colleagues are able to reach you through seven different venues at once. So, you technically CANNOT get to everything you might like to get to or others might like you to get to.

But don’t despair. There is still hope for a satisfying life that makes an impact. Considering, however, that our brains have not caught up with the new reality of “truly too much to do,” we have to compensate by forcing ourselves to say more “profound yeses and nos.” Especially if you desire to become more of a leader in your life or in your family or career, you must admit that every “yes” does mean a “no” to something else. So, if you say “yes” to your boss to work late, you are saying “no” to reading to your kids at night. (Sorry, there is no time warp, though I have been praying for one.) The converse is also true, and that’s what we are focusing on today. When you say “no” to something, you also give more weight to whatever is a “yes.” So, if you say “no” to your boss about staying late, you are much more likely to really milk those moments with your kids for all they’re worth, because you’ve actually had to consciously sacrifice to win your right to them.

Instead of making these hard choices, most of you try to avoid deciding at all and just say “yes” to everything. Unfortunately, someone will pay the price later, always. There is no free ride. Peter does pay Paul. When you say yes to too many things, you will destroy your health, fail at many of the things to which you’ve said yes, and then you get in trouble or lose the responsibility (and someone’s trust) or you blow up at the people whom you perceive to be in control of your time.

Actually, you are in control of your time, and your relationship with time is one of the most important relationships of your entire life. Time is the currency of your life; it’s actually all you’ve got to play with when figuring out what impact you want to make in life. I recommend treating the process of choosing how to spend your time with a lot more sanctity, starting today. Here’s how:

1) Admit it. Managing time isn’t easy or natural or taught at school, but it is something you need to master and you haven’t yet.

2) What’s your flavor? You have a particular style of your relationship to time with its very own pitfalls. Write out your flavor. Here are some examples: “I just add and add and work and work until it all explodes, I get sick and others have to pick up the pieces.”
“I just say yes until all the time is filled, including my sleep time and then wonder why I never feel like a real grown-up or leader.”

3) Yeses. Decide on your most important yeses. For me, it’s excelling in my career, doing public events to greater and greater numbers of people, spending quality time with my husband and kids, exercise and meditation. At some point, my kids will be out of the house or I may feel I’ve reached a certain level in my career, and then those foci may change. (That means I do not dedicate a ton of time to cooking, crafts, mindless internet surfing, Facebook or socializing outside of work, though at other times in my life, those things were important yeses.)

4) Nos. Choose your profound nos. This is the toughest part and it will feel like I am asking you to change the very core of who you are, how you make friends and influence people. That’s because I am. If, and only if, you want to expand what you are capable of, or your leadership capacity, you are going to have to learn to say “no.” It doesn’t mean that a particular thing won’t get done; there is a world a possibility for how your goal could get accomplished some other way or by some other person, you just aren’t thinking that way yet.

My coaches are getting very popular, so I asked them to start dealing with saying “no” to certain things to make more room for coaching and their families. Here is a list of things to give you some ideas. See how they apply to you:

-          No to more than two support emails between client coaching sessions

-          No to taking calls after 9pm

-          No to more than X hours of work on the weekend

-          No to mundane tasks that would be worth the money to outsource, in order to focus on higher leverage dreams

-          No to busy work when I can find a better way

-          No to frivolous internet play that doesn’t result in anything positive

-          No to clients who can’t pay my rate (they can go to other great coaches at lower rates)

-          No to anything I will grumble about or punish someone for later

-          No to screen time when kids are around

-          No to emails more than seven lines long or six minutes to write

These nos seem simple, but they are not. They force the no-giver to rethink how s/he gets her/his results and call on a higher or deeper part of self. That’s so powerful. Also, in the saying of “no,” you re-calibrate how you and others see you, and because you have become more of “an author” in your life, the things you’ve said yes to now hold more significance. When you can focus fully on being excellent at your yeses, your fear about the nos fades away. As long as you set things up well when you say goodbye (“no”), you can expect cascades of pride about all the areas where you have rededicated yourself with a strong and profound “yes.” Don’t believe me? Try it!

Please leave a comment saying something to which you will say NO. I am collecting more ideas!

Love, Laurie

P.S. – Want to obtain knowledge to last a lifetime and tools you can take home? Join me along with Dr. Frank Lipman, Patricia Moreno and Robert Thurman for a weekend retreat, The How of Sustainable Health and Happiness on Nov 11-13, designed to raise your vibration and to give you practical techniques to live a happier, calmer, and more powerful life.

What does existing freely mean? What makes it so difficult to live unencumbered, without restriction and utterly at ease?

Freedom is our right. Living, in its most illumined sense, is the pure evocation of this right. Yet our day-to-day lives have become so mired, so overwhelmed by our messy, controlling, shamed, angry, muddled, and frantic small minds. What’s lost is our ability to live freely.

Last month, I spent the eve of my birthday writing and meditating on how I would spend my special day. The pervasive message was to let myself be profoundly free for those 24 hours, to permit myself to be totally released—without attachment to anxiety or concern, without holding onto trauma or drama—just to live. I could taste how it would feel, such bursting freedom, like the sensation of blissfully diving off a high cliff and soaring with abandon through the air, or floating, peaceful and unburdened, on the most benevolent wave. What I also realized was that needing an occasion to so wholly let go was ridiculous. But it also gave me focus, a mantra and deep intention. This week I’m planting the seed with you.

From when I was a teenager, I have loved Bob Marley’s ‘Redemption Song’. Now, 20 years later, I sing it to my son at bedtime. I can’t imagine a more soulful plea for inner freedom than when Bob urges “Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” While I sing, my heart brims at the look in the clear pools of my son’s eyes, open as he is to the stark beauty of the words, but not understanding, at least not yet, why they are so important. Sadly, our adult lives seem to be made up of ever more restricted encounters with freedom, and with the incessancy of putting ourselves in and taking ourselves out of jail.

Still, freedom is available at every turn. Sometimes emancipation happens spontaneously, say for instance, at the sight of the full moon through wispy clouds from an airplane window. The mind magically gives way, the heart springs open, and whatever has been pent up becomes un-pent. Sometimes it happens when we are despaired and broken down, on the brink of assumed insanity, and boom, a release. Sometimes it happens when we get intensely quiet, and begin to see through our self-imposed chains.

The Zen priest Norman Fischer explains that this latter quieting, this practice of seeing is actually the manifestation of our freedom. He says, “Basically what [freedom] comes down to is just being ready on all occasions to find out something new. To be totally surprised, totally willing to start all over again.” Isn’t this just it? We spend so much time pushing, wanting, grabbing, competing, and agonizing, when all there really is for us is to go back to go, to peel back to the limitlessness of a child’s broad gaze.

Our life’s arc is a matter of uncovering this freedom that is already right here, regardless of how caged we have grown over the years. Even in the most trying, heartbreaking, terrifying, hideous moments, we are free. We really can move gracefully through our mystifying lives, one breath at a time, liberated in mind and buoyant in heart. If Bob Marley doesn’t do it for you, find a different song of freedom. Just find something, and let go.

Herbert Benson, MD, a brilliant Harvard Medical School professor, has been studying the science of meditation for decades. His pioneering book, Relaxation Revolution (Scribner, 2011), is packed with scientific research studies, practical tips, and guided meditations and visualizations on how to deal with a range of specific life challenges.

I’m excited to share a few of my favorite Big Ideas from this mind-blowing book. So let’s dive in!

A Solution to Stress

The relaxation response, writes Benson, is the opposite of the fight-or-flight stress response. “It is characterized by the following: decreased metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, and rate of breathing; a decrease or ‘calming’ in brain activity; an increase in attention and decision-making functions of the brain; and changes in gene activity that are the opposite of those associated with stress.”

Our bodies are brilliantly designed in such a way that, when faced with a life-threatening danger (or a perceived life-threatening danger), our hearts pump blood to our legs so we can make a quick exit, and adrenaline floods our system so we’re as strong as possible for a potential fight. Unfortunately, our bodies’ evolution hasn’t quite kept up with our minds’ evolution, and now a sideways glance from our boss or someone cutting us off in traffic often elicits the same response. All. Day. Long.

But researchers have discovered that we possess the ability to induce the relaxation response in a relatively short period of time. And there’s more good news: The benefits of doing so are huge.

The Power to Change Your Genes

Benson and his team of researchers wanted to see if mind-body practices influence our genetics. They studied 19 seasoned mind-body practitioners and 19 people without any experience in mind-body practices. The participants were married and unmarried men and women in their mid-30s to early 40s. Their findings were significant: 2,209 genes were expressed differently — and more healthfully — in the mind-body practitioners.

The researchers didn’t stop there. “We continued our investigation by posing these questions: ‘What would happen if the participants . . . with no experience with the relaxation response were instructed in appropriate mind-body techniques and then applied them in their daily lives for a few weeks? In that short time period, would they show any of the same positive, anti-stress gene-expression changes that the highly experienced mind-body practitioners had shown?’”

The answer is yes. After eight weeks of doing mind-body practices, the second group exhibited healthful changes in genetic expression on 1,561 genes.

“The probability of this being due to chance was less than five in 100,” writes Benson. “Even more striking, when we compared [the nonpracticing] group after their training with the experienced mind-body group [with an average of 9.4 years of mind-body practice], we found that 433 gene-expression signatures were similar in both groups.” Just eight weeks of training had induced a genetic relaxation response similar to the one in long-time practitioners.

“The significance of these results came home to us dramatically when we considered how likely (or unlikely) it would be for these changes to have happened by chance in both parts of the experiment. We determined that the probability of the same gene signatures being involved accidentally in both groups in both experiments was less than one in 10 billion,” he adds.

Wow! It’s incredibly inspiring that we can significantly alter our genes by engaging in simple mind-body practices for as little as eight weeks.

Triggering the Mindy-Body Response

One of the key findings Benson emphasizes throughout the book is this: It doesn’t really matter what techniques you employ to relax; what matters is that those techniques successfully induce the mind-body response for you.

“The participants in the genetics study used a number of different meditative, relaxation, and prayer-based techniques. These included repeating a mantra, mindfulness meditation, transcendental meditation, Vipassana meditation, breath focus, Kripalu or Kundalini yoga, and repetitive prayer. Despite the variety, all techniques yielded the same gene expression,” he says.

Whatever technique you choose, Benson offers these tips for success:

Brush Your Brain. When someone experiences performance anxiety about how well they’re inducing the relaxation response, Benson tells them: “Don’t worry about how well you’re doing! Don’t worry about whether the relaxation response is really working. . . . Just do it!”

He likens it to brushing your teeth. “Most of us are concerned to one extent or another with dental hygiene,” he explains, “but we don’t dwell on the tooth-cleaning process. Almost no one evaluates the brushing to say, ‘That was a good brush!’ or, ‘Too bad — that was a bad brush.’ We simply do it.”

Now imagine taking the same approach with our meditation. It’s not about doing it perfectly; it’s about doing it consistently.

And, of course, the same rule holds for any activity in our lives where we may hold back for fear of not doing it perfectly — whether that’s writing or performing or teaching, or whatever. The fact is, the greatest risk is simply not showing up.

Just say, “Oh, well.” During the genetics study, participants would pose questions to the researchers. The most common question was some variation on this: “I keep having these outside thoughts that interfere with my concentration — what can I do to avoid them?” Their stock answer? “Just say, ‘Oh well,’ and return to the exercise.”

A Powerful Key to Health

According to Benson, “Any condition that is caused or exacerbated by stress can be helped by a well-designed mind-body approach. Further-more, because all health conditions have some stress component, it is no overstatement to say that virtually every single health problem and disease can be improved with a mind-body approach.”

Plato once said: “The greatest mistake physicians make is that they attempt to cure the body without attempting to cure the mind; yet the mind and the body are one and should not be treated separately!”

Now, 2,500 years later, science has finally proven Plato right!

Reprinted with permission from Experience Life Magazine.

Experience Life magazine is an award-winning health and fitness publication that aims to empower people to live their best, most authentic lives, and challenges the conventions of hype, gimmicks and superficiality in favor of a discerning, whole-person perspective. Visit www.experiencelife.com to learn more, to sign up for Experience Life newsletters, or to subscribe to the print or digital version.

A few months ago, I was honored to have Arianna Huffington as my guest in a series called Conversations on Sustainable Wellness that I did at Urban Zen. Here is a snippet of our chat that evening.

Click here to view the embedded video.

A few months ago I had a chance to hear Gabrielle Bernstein and Kris Carr give a lecture on “Crazy Sexy Miracles” and I was completely blown away by both of these amazing dynamos. Gabrielle teaches from the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, and she spoke about how each time we shift our perception from fear to love we create a miracle. Our internal shifts enhance our external experiences. Serenity kicks in, fear subsides and we know that all the love we need is inside us.

When it was time for Gabby to introduce Kris Carr to the audience, she spoke about Kris’ diagnosis of cancer, and said something that struck me to the core. She said that the miracle is not that Kris has learned to live (and thrive) with cancer, but that she has learned to live without fear of cancer. It helped me to see the ways that fear is running my own life, in the areas of money, relationships and health, and to see that there is a better way.

Since then, I’ve done group coaching with Gabby, I’ve shared her work with many friends, and I’ve also had the opportunity to read her latest book Spirit Junkie. This book is such a valuable manual for how to choose love in our fear-driven modern world. Gabby tells it like it is – being a woman in your 20s trying to find your way in the world can be tough. Gabby speaks honestly and openly about her struggles with finding meaning, feeling different, trying to be cool, heartbreak, drinking, drugs, addiction and recovery. Gabby doesn’t sensationalize the troubles of her past, dwelling on juicy details. She bravely shares her story with a focus on the lessons she learned, and how she overcame her struggles to carve out a path of joy and love.

Through working with Gabby, I’ve learned that in every interaction I have – on the subway, at work, with friends – I have the opportunity to be a miracle worker. If you want to get more inspiration and happiness flowing through your life, I recommend you check out Spirit Junkie and find out how you too can become a miracle worker!

Here’s what our friend Kris Carr has to say about Spirit Junkie:

“I couldn’t put Spirit Junkie down. It’s a beautiful book with a profound message: choose love. But let me be clear. Spirit Junkie isn’t your garden-variety new age tome. It’s hip, fresh, edgy, and raw–just like Gabrielle Bernstein. Through personal memoir and modern interpretations of A Course in Miracles, Gabrielle shows us that an intoxicatingly happy and baggage-free life is possible if we’re willing to break our fear-based habits. Simply put, Gabby is a force, a trailblazer, a powerful spiritual leader for the next generation. She inspires her readers to rise up and walk the talk along with her. No matter where you are on your personal journey, this book is a terrific addition to your soul toolkit. Let Spirit Junkie be one of your manuals for a better life and then share the information with everyone you know. I will hold many of its wisdom pearls close to my heart.”

Check out Spirit Junkie on Amazon.com.

The Handel Method’s® answer to the incessant voice of the brain-brat (you know, that little voice in your head that says “I don’t wanna, I deserve, I shouldn’t have to?”) is a principle called “Being Done.” And guess what? We’ve all employed this method unconsciously at one time or another when we finally “had it up to here” (or said another way, the consequences became too severe).

But, did you know you can employ “Being Done” anytime- and at will? Let’s recall the times you already have.

• Think of the lover you were finally “done with.”
• Think of the bad habit you quit: biting your nails, smoking, pulling all-nighters, over-drinking, faking orgasms, being underpaid, etc.
• Think of the time you finally: asked for the raise, quit the job, said what you wanted in bed, started exercising or doing yoga regularly, once and for all.

These were the times you put your stake in the ground. You did it; you resolved to change and you did.

My theory is that you can get to this place of “Being Done” anytime and frequently. And if you do, you will lead an exciting life, indeed. Life lived in this vein feels limitless because you decide what you will tolerate feeling, thinking and choosing to do. you have the ability to control your mind, heart and body and so by practicing this control you will find the greatest happiness. And I recommend you don’t consider the work of “Being Done” to be “hard.”

Here are five easy steps:

1) Recall and delight in examples of “Being Done” in the past.

2) State clearly what you are newly “Done” with, like: I will never smoke again, I no longer overeat, I no longer eat red meat, I no longer skip meals/sleep, etc.

3) Tell as many people as possible. Be specific and un-vague.

4) Prepare your trigger list. What could happen to make you want to go right back to the old habit and what will you do to prevent that from happening? Tell everyone that, too.

5) Set up your new rules, consequences and accountability structure. (A coach is perfect for this.)

If any of this sounds weird to you, ask your coach. Or join me on a teleseminar I am leading called “Debunking Your Dumbass Theories” on September 28th from 12-1pm and I’ll explain how to silence the brain-brat forever and be done.

I work as a Nutrition and Wellness Coach with Dr. Lipman and support people going through Cleanse, which is a 2-week detox program. I often speak to people who are curious about doing the Cleanse, but feel intimidated or hesitant.

Here are some things to consider when deciding if a cleanse is right for you:

First things first – what are your health concerns?

It’s helpful to take inventory and get clear about what’s going on in your body. Many people cleanse because they’re feeling uncomfortable in some way – they may have aches and pains, excess weight, skin problems, major cravings (especially for sugar), or digestive problems like bloating, gas or constipation. They may suspect they have food allergies and want to pinpoint which foods they are sensitive to.

And some people want to experience more vitality – wake up with more energy, feel younger, and kickstart a healthier lifestyle.

Take a minute to jot down your personal health concerns. What impact is this having on your life – at home, at work, in your relationships?

Second – are you ready for a change? 

Now that you’re clear about your personal health issues, you need to decide if you’re willing to do things differently.  If you keep eating the same way, you will most likely keep experiencing the same discomfort. Is it time to try something new?

If you’re drinking lots of coffee, eating milk, yogurt, cheese, bread, muffins, soda, artificial sweeteners and processed junk food – I have good news! You have a big opportunity to use nutrition as an entry point to feel much, much better.

Take a minute to jot down your goals for your ideal health – what does this look and feel like? And how does it impact your life – at home, work, in your relationships? 

Third – do you like to eat? 

People get nervous about cleansing and detoxing because let’s face it – no one wants to go hungry. Fortunately, you’ll be able to eat meals and snacks on your cleanse – including fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds, beans, organic meat, fish, brown rice and more. The focus is on whole, unprocessed foods that are close to nature.

Write down your favorite fruits, veggies and healthy snacks. You can eat plenty of these if you choose to do a cleanse. 

And finally – do you have a great attitude?  

This is not essential but it helps! The first few days of a cleanse can be challenging – you may have a headache or feel tired or a bit grumpy. The more you can relax, smile and stay focused on how good you’ll feel in just a few days, the better your experience will be.

If you have further questions please feel free to email me at Kerry@bewellbydrfranklipman.com, I’m happy to help.

And please note that we don’t recommend cleansing if you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, or have history of stomach ulcers. If you are very exhausted and depleted, you should check out the Revive program to boost your energy before cleansing.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Another mini chapter from a Philospher’s Notes by Brian Johnson.

This one is called No More Ice Cubes, Please.